St Albans – what a town. The worst town I have ever toured through or visited & I pity anyone who must head through it or even venture near it! Over phone conversations, the resident Tech had said that he could provide me with a 4 colour wash using Par Cans – fair enough I said, it’s your venue, you know what works best. We get to the venue, called St Albans Arena mind you, to find a school hall… Each colour was done with 3, yes THREE Par Cans….! It basically made up ONE wash if you turned all the Pars on at once!!
After a bit of rejigging etc I came up with something that was remotely passable. Went to focus some of my profiles & gobo’s and do you think I could get sharp edges… Oh no. “Yeah, some of the lamps are rusted shut”, “Be careful adjusting that, the front lens tends to fall out”, “They’ve got 500w globes”, “We haven’t done maintenance in a number of years” & my favourite “A lot of Companies say that”!!! Hello St Albans – listen to the masses!
Went off to lunch shaking my head but looking forward to another hearty English Pub Meal. “I’ll have the Chicken BBQ Melt please”. Pimply teenager presses a button on the till, up comes Rump Steak. “Sorry mate,” I inquire, “That says Steak & I ordered Chicken.” (insert pimply Simpsons Teenager Voice here): “I’m sorry Sir. Was that the Chicken BBQ Sandwich or the one on the Grill Menu?” “The Grill.” Says I. Button pressed on the till again – up comes Steak. Same lines of dialogue again ending in Teenager saying, “Some of the menu items are under the same button”. “So it’s definitely registered as Chicken…?” “Yes it is.” Guess what….? I got a frickin’ steak that was crap & it wasn’t even a Rump & it was dry & I didn’t want it & the staff were horrible when I went up to the bar & threw the meal at them (well, that’s what I wanted to do but soothed my anger with a half pint…!)
Back to the venue & I decided I was going to focus – off this weird ass metal ladder kind of thing - basically a Tallescope without wheels! Two of the techs – Alex & Nick were great & were running around backing us up. One of the crew (who was also one of my spots) never spoke a word! Weird! Got the rig focused and then replotted, not really liking the look of it but did what I could.
Diner rocks around, we head to a different pub for dinner. Decided on the BBQ Bacon Burger & went & ordered. Was enjoying my pear cider when my meal was delivered. Nibbled on some of the chips and then opened up the burger & realised that… there was no burger in it! Just this huge wad of bacon! I started laughing & took it up to the bar & the look on the guys face when I asked, “This might sound dumb but do all the Burgers come with a burger?”, “Yes.” Said the barman slowly. I showed the man and he went & called down to the kitchen and then said that yes, I was correct – all burgers should come with a burger! Go back to the table & about 5mins later they bring me another burger - only it isn’t! It’s the same one just with this wedge of meat inside. I could tell it wasn’t new due to the half eaten chip that was on the plate when I took it back and when they’d speared the bun with a tootpick, it was right next to an identical hole!! The burger was cooked, but cold ! I just wet myself laughing! Stoopid bloody town – 2 completely farked up meals!! And we were her for 3 shows…..!
Show actually didn’t come up that bad under the haze – I kept it pumping for the whole show as the beamage (being able to see the beams of lights through the smoke) was gold as there was no flytower and the bars were so low!! After the show, we went out for an ale – every pub appears to shut or has called last drinks. We get to this bar called Ice. We walk in & it’s like an old Ice Cream Parlour set up, all in white, with those really small, crappy & annoying moving lights. Bad music, bad, bad music. I had to buy the first round, which I have to do everytime one of my cues in Act II doesn’t get it’s deserved applause – with the assistance of a dancer…! Not a clap in St Albans, not once but twice – bastards. So I order our standard knock offs – 2 x Double JD & Coke & 1 x Gin & Tonic. 17 quid 60p…! Standard prices are about 8-12 quid. I said something in Spanish & just looked at the guy. That was the last straw – I’d had enough of St Albans!! We drank pretty quickly & bailed & could not find one more pub open!!
I made a solum vow that night that I was going to burn St Albans to the ground….!! Some of it still smoulders to this very day!!
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